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My mama told me I’m a bleeding heart and she’s right. 

This may just be random ramblings today, I can’t help it. I’ve started about three different posts and deleted them all because they just fell flat to me. I have a few things on my mind that seem to be consuming me. I woke up in Brody bed, I fell asleep while putting him to sleep last night next to him. His arm was slung around my neck, laying on his side facing me. Last night he was clinging to me like a little koala, didn’t let me stand up without clutching me and pulling me down. His sensory issues have been all over the place lately, he has been craving compression, wanting me to lay on him (obviously I don’t use my full body weight) and just be wrapped up in my arms throughout the day. He has also been hitting his stomach very hard and in the last few days he’s been hitting himself in the head. 
Being Brodys parent has been such a blessing but leaves me constantly questioning myself and what to do. I battle with knowing why he does things, what I should do about new behaviors that arise, constantly trying to come up with solutions to allieveite the anxiety I can see consume Brody sometimes. Watching my son be in his own world with limited ways to communicate his feelings and worries sometimes keeps me up at night. I battle with my own feelings too. Feelings of frustration, stress, exhaustion and a just feelings of falling short as a parent. I have arguments with myself about wanting to be selfish, to have alone time or just time to enjoy myself without Brody around just for a mental break. When I do break away, I’m thinking about Brody, wishing he was with me and wondering what he’s doing. Sorting out these feelings can be so hard, I know I’m doing the best I can and that a lot of what I feel is common for parents to feel. 
This brings me to my next set of feelings and while some may not make the connection it is in my mind. The mass shooting that occurred last night has left a pit in my stomach that just won’t go away. Thinking about all the parents and family that are left behind to deal with such a senseless tragedy breaks my heart. Parents who have struggled with similar issues as what I described above, who’s sweet babies are now in heaven watching from above. Even now as I write this I’m choked up because I can’t imagine losing such an important person like my son. The sleepless nights, the tears they’ve wiped away, the homework, Disney memories, the pride and joy they’ve felt because of their own children… Ripped away from them in an instant. This mass shooting has caused a ripple effect that I know I’m not alone in feeling and it makes me hug Brody tighter. 
My mom always told me I’m a bleeding heart and she’s right. I’m sitting at my dining room table, listening to Peppa Pig playin on my tv as I’m finishing eating my breakfast with my dogs at my feet. Brodys off at school and while that’s a daily thing the bottom line is that this type of horrific event can happen anywhere at any time and that’s so unsettling to me. I know I’ve been rambling today and that this post may be hard to read and make sense of but my heart is doing the writing today, not my brain. My family takes great pride in being open and expressing our feelings. We always say I love you when we hang up the phone, stay in constant communication and throw around hugs and kisses as often as possible. My bottom line here I suppose is take that time with your family, take in even the small moments. Make time for them and really get that mental photograph, every moment with loved ones is a treasure. Things happen, life’s not fair and not eveything doesn’t make sense and that’s my main thought. Don’t let things like this stop you from living your life, however. I love my son more then anything in this world and my family as well, I pray we never have to cope personally with a tradgy like Orlando or any of the other mass shootings this year. Rest in peace to all the souled lost, my heart goes out to all family and friends trying to cope because of this. I truly feel my heart breaking for them. End of my rambling. 

One thought on “My mama told me I’m a bleeding heart and she’s right. 

  1. That was so well done, it summarized what many are feeling right now. Thanks for opening your heart. Brody is so lucky to have you as a mom. ❤️♥️❤️ I am so proud of your determination finding answers to difficult situations.

    Liked by 1 person

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