Posted in autism

It’s ok to not be ok. 

I know many of you can relate to this topic and it’s one that can be completely consuming, overwhelming and keeps you up at night. I’m an overthinker. I never knew how far my mind could wander, not only to the future but past events too. It’s honestly exhausting. Why do I do this to myself? I honestly have no clue. How can I be fully aware of what I’m doing to myself but can’t stop it? I find comfort knowing that I’m not crazy for what I’m going through but at the same time I feel pressure to act and appear ok. 

I’m not very young anymore, although 27 isn’t that old. It’s old enough where I feel like I should have everything together, however. Parenting is on the forefront of my mind, So many things hang in my head no matter what I’m doing throughout the day. I funnel so much energy and time into parenting that I can feel myself slipping in my personal life. At the end of the day, as I’m staring at the ceiling, wide eyed and unable to sleep I feel my day, year and past washing over me. Sometimes life catches up to you and you’re going through the motions and things get away from you. 

When Brody is tuned out, flapping and bouncing around in his own world and moving his items from place to place I find my mind wandering off. I’ve read enough on the Internet to know that these are normal thoughts for parent and parents of kids with disabilities. I feel an ache in my heart not being able to know what’s going on in his mind, if he feels taken care of, safe, understood. Brody and I have a solid bond and I truly feel in sync with him and he recognizes that which brings me some relief. It is defeating, however, that he hasn’t made much progress in his speech and seems to be platueing in his behaviors. He seems to be navigating his life fairly well, overall happy and enjoying his precious life which makes me happy. The thoughts I think about at night are more of guilt, Brody was a surprise when I got pregnant and I hadn’t planned much ahead although I’ve wanted to be a mother my whole life. I never thought I may have a child with disabilities, all the rest came back negative or physical and mental disabilities. I counted his fingers and toes, delighted when he had ten of each. He was a big baby, chubby cheeks, blue eyes and blonde hair. He was and still is the most amazing child, truly the best gift to my life. Looking back I wish I would have planned better and thought of what I was getting into so maybe I could have been in a better place in my own personal development. Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. 

I know, I’m being hard on myself. I know, everyone is so kind and telling me I do a good job and many other sweet things. Being hard on myself is ok though, I have a lot to sort through and a lot I need to accomplish to get to a place where these things aren’t as loud in my head. Now here’s where I’ll wrap it up and tie it all back in. The beautiful thing about having a child is the lessons they teach you without even knowing it. I see myself in Brody both with his personality and looks and it’s just the most surreal feeling. When I was young and even now, I don’t fit in. I’m different and my parents raised me to be ok with it and showed me that’s what makes life interesting and beautiful. Brody and I share this in different ways and I’m glad we have this in common. 

Brody gets overwhelmed with his anxiety, will have a group of objects he takes from place to place and lines up or arranges the same way every time. Most recently his objects are a medicine ball, a rocking horse, crayons, a few pirate ship toys, blues clues stuffed animals and a broom. They go from his teepee tent, to the dining room table, to outside by his pool, to my gazebo then inside to the coffee table several times a day. He does this, lines up his chicken nuggets in one line, fries in a separate line and places the jug of milk directly behind his soppy cup. He does it to have control over it because he feels so out of control of other things. He can completely have control over these specific things and it brings him comfort when he stands back and sees them all together and lined up. This is what struck me and I should be applying to my life. I need to take small portions of my life I do have control over and feel comfortable with these accomplishments. Whether it’s cleaning, parenting,  physical/ mental health or the relationships I have with others I need to step back and take comfort in where I’m at in those areas. 

Break things down, one chunk at a time. Make a check list, see how far you’ve come and use that as motivation to keep going. Make sure you focus and keep it real with yourself, where you need work and also where you’ve come from compared to where you are now. At the end of the day it’s ok to not be ok. I feel like that’s not said enough. As long as you keep pushing through and work on your self betterment then that’s enough. This is what I need to remind myself , I’ll be using this post for myself when it’s needed and I hope it relates and helps one of my readers. 

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