Real talk time. I am someone who will research for days before making a purchase or making a decision. I want as much information as possible before making any moves. I will pour over reviews, blogs, websites and I will post asking for opinions and personal experiences. Autism has proven to be my most challenging topic in my life because there are no definitive answers. I have never had a question or asked why and not gotten an answer and every day this has gotten more challenging for me to accept. I just want to know why.
Brody is nonverbal, doesn’t sign and has yet to take to the pec system. I feel like my minds a hamster on a wheel all day, always trying to be in his mind, thinking ahead and attempting to guide and help Brody by using my instincts to figure out what he wants. I am so into expressing feelings and while Brody can’t verbally express his feelings, I still make sure to tell him mine. The great thing is that I feel more in tune with him and feel like we move in sync sometimes. While we do have times where he doesn’t listen, I feel so in tune with him and the connection we have really melts my heart.
I think a challenge I face is that Brody and I deal with a lot behind the scenes that most people don’t see. Being so in tune with him can be exhausting, even the slightest change in his demeanor can mean something significant. Today is what sparked this post because it’s a perfect example of what I mean. Brody had a great day, well behaved for him, being social and having lots of activity. I slowly noticed towards the end of the day he started spacing out and just not quite acting like himself 100% although barely noticable to those who aren’t always around him. When we got back to his room he laid right down in bed and was acting stuff and almost frozen in a fetal position. While this doesn’t happen on a regular basis, I know that he most likely had sensory overload from the day’s activities and needed some compression. He likes the hang around my neck like a koala, our foreheads touching, my hand around his legs so they are tucked in and my body weight slightly on him. I’ve tried blankets, sheets and several other things to solve this feeling but this seems to be the most effective way to help and I don’t mind. It’s actually flattering that I can be such a relief and a comfort to him and I can’t help but take in this cuddling time. He typically doesn’t like to be touched and cuddled so I try to enjoy moments like this.
While I am aware that there are some answers and that there’s new information coming out all the time about autism and sensory processing disorders I’m always wanting to know more. I wish I knew why these things happen, what goes on in his mind, how it feels and what he wants. Most of the time I feel like I pretty much have it down how to help but I always wonder if there’s more I can do. I’m sure I’m not alone in this feeling, if your child has autism or not, you just want want to help your kid as much as possible. Parenting is such a learning process day to day, it has taught me a lot in ways I never had imagined. I’m constantly amazed that such a little human is teaching me so much unintentionally just by being himself.
I hope that eventually we can get some difinitive answers about the causes of autism and that with it comes some ease for parents. I know there’s nothing I can do but take things day by day and I wish I could switch that thought off in my head but it’s just not that easy. Why seems to be a question always hanging in the air but every day I am just learning pieces of the answer just but observing and using process of elimination. I am so thankful to have an amazing child and my love for him just grows every day. Now is time for me to switch my brain off for a bit, although he is twitching more then usual he seems to be in a deep sleep. Goodnight all…