I usually write my posts in the morning so I think that may be why I am usually all over the place. I’ve been home for two days from vacation now and I’m still a little jumbled and trying to let the dust settle. I’m buried in endless laundry and cleaning, trying to snap things back to order which is quite a process.
I apologize for my absence on here, I shouldn’t neglect this blog as bad as I do. While I was on vacation for nearly a month I was overwhelmed with how many people read and were touched by my blog. I honestly set out to just try to change one or two lives, if I did that then I had accomplished my goal. After collecting myself now that vaca is done I’ve seen that my reach was a lot further than I had imagined. What floored me the most was the huge cheerleading team that was behind us, everywhere I turned I was getting hugs and we were just showered with love. I’m honestly choked up as I write this because it’s something I actually can’t put in words to know that what you’re doing is working. I’ll tell you, I’m hellbent to make a difference in the world my son will be living in and to know it’s working, even on a small scale is so amazing.
One unexpected thing this vacation brought was some self reflection and perspective that I was needing. I got to spend a lot of alone time with Brody, I tried to absorb every minute of this time because I’ve never seen him as happy as he was then. His smile was truly ear to ear, skipping all over the place and just squealing ( sometimes happy screaming) so many times while home. One night in particular while I was sitting on the beach at sunset alone, watching Brody happily wade in the ocean I felt envious of how happy he was. Don’t get me wrong, some things make me happy and he makes me the happiest of them all but I just realized my mind is always busy and on a million other things. He was careless and light while I felt weighed down and just realizing how many things consume me. I have said it before that I am my own person who is also a mother, not just a mom. This ties in because I have been made very aware that there are things that are sitting heavy on my shoulders and I wish I could shrug off and carry on. I kept thinking about how I want just a clean slate, to start over with some things, to take back mistakes or foolish things I’ve done that I’m not proud of. The thing is you can’t take them back but you can change your course and learn from them.
What I just wrote is hard for me to admit considering my Scottish roots make me very stubborn and it kills me to ever admit I’m wrong. Vacation made me swallow my pride though, I was almost sick of myself and making excuses. I keep wanting to change things and get motivated and it’s nearly the death of me but I can do it and I am just choosing not to. I always think that I want to be a role model for Brody and live a life I’m proud of and right now that’s not quite where I am. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed, lose balance of priorities and forget that I’m not only learning about myself and my son but also how to be a mother. Autism throws a curve ball in all that as well, every day brings a new challenge in addition to the challenege of parenting. I need to have a clear mind to best navigate through these times and I’ll never have that if I keep down the path I’m going.
I know it’s a corny metaphor but as I was driving down to see my mom I was driving my dads two seater truck and Brodys next to me just happy as can be. Country music was really reaching me with the sun shining, windows down and my hair blowing and I just felt a moment of being light and it was a vacation of its own. I beat myself up, worry myself to death, put up with more then I ought to and ignore things that I should be putting a stop to and I’m so guilty of putting that weight on my own damn shoulders. Like Brody, I deserve to be happy and seeing moments of happiness break through the clouds while on vacation put a fire under me. You know that saying that you can’t love anyone until you love yourself? I think it’s the same thought process for being a good parent and role model, you have to take care and love yourself first. The past is in the rearview mirror and I need to focus on our road ahead. Changes are big and small, they take time and sometimes are hard to go through but as long as I come out at the end with a happy me and a happy son that’s what matters. He is everything to me and he deserves a strong mom to stand next to him, teaching him to face the challeneges and obstacles he will face in life. This post has been more of a release and self realization to wrap up my vacation and turned more into a self help post for myself but maybe someone sees parts of themselves in me and take something away from it.