I have so many things in my life that are bouncing around in my head lately. Today I stress cleaned, somehow managed to not only do all my overdue loads of laundry but also clesn the actual laundry room. I even swept and mopped. I have never claimed to be an expert homemaker and cleaning is not my strong suit but it is obviously a necessary thing.
I left my job in May once we got Brodys official diagnosis of autism. There was a lot of transitional things happening around then and work was conflicting with my families needs which I swore would never happen. I enjoy working, I throw myself into it and really take pride in what I do. I give major props to stay at home parents because it is no joke. I swear I’m more tired now then I was while working which is crazy to me because at the time while working 40 hours a week I didn’t think that was possible. Finding a job that meets my needs and Brodys while also making sense budget wise (childcare is not cheap) has been so stressful for me but I know it’s time to go back. I’ve been missing having a career and have been excited for a blank slate, being able to apply for any job I’d like. The job market is really rough up here and factoring in Brodys needs just seems completely overwhelming and defeating. At the end of the day to stay above water I need to get back into it so my search has been going all day, every day lately.
I picked Brody up at school today, gave him his milk and made him a fresh batch of buttery popcorn which is his favorite. He took off coloring and bouncing around while I was in the kitchen, switching between washing counters and browsing job sites, constantly refreshing and hoping for a new posting to come up. I heard Brody frantically running between the dining room and living room, taking trips with handfuls of crayons and peppa pig toys. Popcorn bowl and milk came next, trails of kernels being left behind as he manically organized his new “office” in the living room. It’s quite a sight.
In runs Brody, yanks my hand hard, keeps looking back at me and drags me in the living room. He pulls my hand all the way to the couch and pushes me down to sit. He crawls up on my lap and sits there for a few and then he was off again, eating popcorn and coloring. He kept circling back to me, tapping my leg, crawling on my lap and just engaging with me. I think he knew I needed to snap out of things for a bit after a long day. He reminded me that no matter the struggles I’m facing and frustration with the job search I have the most important job of all, to be a mom. I’m succeeding in that and need to remeber to be mentally present, not just physically present with him. It is so sweet to sit and watch him enjoying such simple things like a bowl of popcorn, a box of crayons and paper from the dollar store and my company as much as he is. I’m sitting in my recliner, watching him draw the sweetest little people, thankful to have him in my life. He may not understand what his little gestures and his sweet heart mean to me and how he is changing me every day but it’s amazing.