I don’t like not knowing what’s ahead, how things are going to go and having questions that can’t be answered. Sometimes in life I just get a sense of urgency for change or just like wanting something new to get some energy and liveliness back. Life is exhausting in many aspects and can be very difficult. Tack onto that the the exhaustion that comes from tirelessly wondering what the future holds for your child, how he will end up, how he is doing right now since he doesn’t talk and countless other things. It consumes me sometimes, typically at night like it is right now. It comes over me in waves, sometimes I choose to ignore it because truly drains me. I could stay up forever with millions of things running through my mind.
Parenting seems like a partly cloudy day, sun breaks through and everything’s good but sometimes those clouds just stick around long enough to put a damper on the day. I know all parents can share this feeling with me and I get comfort knowing that that sun will shine through soon. My mom always centers me and reminds me to tell myself things throughout the day to get me through and in the right mindset. It works, I have to stop and have little pep talks to myself as crazy as it sounds. If no ones ever taught you this lesson, take her advice and try it out next time. Im writing this blog post as a way to remind myself of this and to work through days like today. I’m thankful for the air in my lungs and my incredible son. I’m fortunate that I get to open my eyes in the morning and take on a new day and see Brody growing and progressing, no matter how tiny the steps. I know I don’t have all the answers I want and that’s ok because I never will.
Tough times, not a tough life. If you’re like me and laying in bed, reading this and having your own internal battle just remember this. You’re not alone. Now I’m going to kiss my sweet baby on the forehead and try to give my mind and body some well deserved rest. I hope you all can do the same.