*I wrote this three days ago and couldn’t bring myself to hit publish. Thank you to a friend who encouraged me to just hit the button and put it out there*
I just poured brody a glass of milk. When I shut the door, there was my goal list for the month of August. One thing just reaches out and slaps me every day and that is to write a blog post. I’ve honestly been not only avoiding this but dreading it because I still don’t even know what to say. I’m writing this out of obligation to myself and to maybe get the ball rolling for me. Even as I type this I’m fighting every urge to exit out, I can feel my throat forming a lump even thinking about writing this.
I’ve always been honest in my posts and openly discussed things as if I was talking to a person. I know my posts have reached a wide audience, some people I know and some I don’t. I hope that whoever you are you can see that this is just trying to keep it straight forward and as a real talk which you may need. My life is 100% different then it was 8 months ago. I’m in the middle of a divorce and, although I’ve felt like one for a long time, I’m officially a single parent. I went through my phone tonight and deleted 7,000 photos, rewatched videos and felt some things all over again. Sometimes it takes some Time and space to realize that you were just kind of existing, just getting through each day which in itself seems like a miracle sometimes. I was treading water and don’t know how I even kept my head above water sometimes. I remember feeling a weight on my chest every morning I woke up, making me want to never get out of bed.
I’m through the majority of the emotional pain now, slowly I feel some peace coming back into my life. I’ve begun to break things down, step back and really process things and also take a look at myself. Looking back at things I realized I had truly numbed myself, there were things I can’t believe I allowed to happen. I was not the person I wanted to be and made my fair share of Mistakes and I wasn’t loving where I was in life. What I’m not proud of is how long I let myself stay in such a toxic relationship, knowing it would end in divorce. I wasn’t ready I guess and life just kinda swept me up and pushed things that way until I had no choice. I just didn’t want to wake up one more day being the person I was or being with that person I was married to. In the final stage I think my body just took over my mind and got me through what needed to be done. At the end of the day I realized this isn’t what I wanted my son to see as acceptable, to see that this is what marriage is like or what love was. I also couldn’t be the mother I wanted to be while dealing with these issues and that made me
Disappointed in myself the most.
It’s really funny honestly, when Brody was diagnosed with autism I had so many people reach out wanting to know more or for advice. I had acquaintances reaching out, asking if I would speak to their friends who had kids who may be on the spectrum. I had people I didn’t know adding me on Facebook or messaging me on here and it amazed me how my posts and experiences could help others. I find myself in that situation again but instead about divorce or ending a relationship. I’ve had several conversations with people going through relationship problems and I think somehow we are comforted knowing we aren’t the only one going through it. Of course I would never wish this on anyone but feeling alone is just an awful feeling so knowing you’re not the only one at least takes that feeling away. It’s also amazed me watching people sort of shift and find their path in life after divorce, growing a backbone they always wanted. Nothing is better then seeing someone growing as a person and seeing the seeds they are planting to set themselves up for a good future. That’s what I’m working on now and it’s an unfamiliar but exciting phase for me.
I’ll end this sort of aimless post by saying that this blog got me through some tough days. I had times where I really needed my partner as an ear to listen, a support system or just to not feel so alone and you know what? That didn’t happen unfortunately. The divorce statistics are off the charts for marriages with a child on the spectrum and I hate adding to that number. I’m trying not to think of it as a failed marriage, just as a really hard lesson in many ways, a wakeup call. There were of course some good times but with those came the bad. All of it was worth it to have brody next to me right now, drawing away. I saw a quote that said being a mother while my heart was breaking was the hardest thing I ever had to do and that felt like a punch to the stomach. 8 months into this and I’m feeling empowered somehow, I feel strong being a single parent and seeing Brody’s progress shooting through the roof with speech specifically. Through all the low days I somehow kept faith that I would someday be truly happy and loved and land exactly where I wanted to be. I’ve seen some great relationships even within my family that give me hope and I’m thankful for that. I’ll close this post by saying sometimes you have to feel uncomfortable and pain to get where you need to be but someday you’ll be there and it will be worth it. You’re not alone and although your mind may be foggy with everything going on, keep your end goal focused. One step at a time, don’t be afraid to admit when you need help and just take that step. Being on the other side now I can tell you, you’ll thank yourself later when you can finally breathe again.