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Gut punch and a broken heart.

I’m watching Good Morning America as I type this, not even sure if I can eat breakfast because I’m so sick to my stomach. I’m watching a sheriff giving a press conference, barely holding it together and trying to hold back tears. I know I’ve already cried multiple times watching videos this morning as I’m sure you all have too. Brody had just crawled into my bed and was cuddled up with me and watching cartoons when I found out the news. I just looked at him and thought of all the people who wouldn’t be able to have this again and the parents who raised these people, doing the same as I was, only to have their child ripped from them so senselessly.

I just went through an evacuation for the hurricane and remember my 22 hours of traveling to Georgia alone. Brody was in the car and behaved the whole time, he only cried once the whole trip. It was almost like he just knew I needed him to behave, that he was making an effort in such a stressful situation to make it a little easier on me. When you have that long on the road it makes you do some soul searching and really evaluate your life and where you’re going. My life, path and goals were all in my mind and I was pretty honest with myself and acknowledged both good and bad. It was a very humbling experience that was needed, it was just what I needed in a way.

During my Internal conversation on highway 75 what I kept going back to was that baby in the backseat. I was raised saying I love you every time you hang up the phone. I’ve learned through my 29 years that the little moments are just as important as the big ones. Just last night when Brody was fresh out of the bath, all wrapped up in a big towel I was overcome with feelings of gratefulness. I took a photo because I thought to myself how happy I felt at that moment and how I wanted to remember that smiling face.

I feel that through my time as a mother, people tell me a lot how they love watching Brody and I and the relationship we share. I think that honestly a big part of our bond is the time we take and the small moments we share. I live in the moment, even if it’s him drawing while I drink my morning coffee. I put so much value in every minute spent with him and try to teach him as much as possible. While autism makes my parenting a little different, acceptance and love will always be at the center of what I want to teach him. I know it’s a hopeless feeling not being able to help the victims in Vegas and the other heartbreaking events going on lately but you can do something to help. You can raise great children, you can love unconditionally, you can take that risk of doing what you have always wanted to do and do it in the victims honor. You can wake up every morning when your feet hit the ground with the mindset that you want to make the world a better place, no matter the scale you do it on. Live with a purpose, love people unconditionally and tell people how much they matter. It’s times like this that we all need to rally together and make a conscious effort to do better, to be more.

Life will always happen and unfortunately horrific events are inevitable. I want to live my life to the fullest, love hard and leave a legacy that carries on through my child. I’m going to keep hugging, kissing and loving unconditionally until I find a way to help more then just spreading love. My thoughts and prayers are with the family and friends of these victims, you have a whole country holding you in their hearts. Don’t let hate and violence win guys, lets pick each-other up and keep and keep moving forward together.