I’m sitting on the front steps of my condo, sipping wine, listening to frogs and watching the heat lightening. I just got home from another night of work, another night spent away from Brody, trying to provide for us. I pulled into the parking lot, turned off the car and the fact that I moved here a year ago today just really came crashing down hard on me. I woke up today knowing it had been a year but I guess it hadn’t quite sunk in yet. Even as I sit here, surrounded by palm trees in the humid 75* weather it’s hard to wrap my mind around.
Two years ago I was taking small hops to get towards this huge leap. A year and a half ago left my abusive and just all around unhealthy marriage. I visited Florida in February to spend time with family, took a trip to clear my head and cheer me up. I knew when I was here that this is what my heart wanted and Brody’s did too. We found my condo and rented it in March. June first I filed for divorce, ending a marriage that had long been over. June 12th I took a step on that airplane, left everything and everyone I knew, thanked them for the love and memories and wiped my slate clean. Six boxes, two suitcases and two backpacks is all I took, Nearly every possession I owned I gave away or left behind. I feel like my mind took over, took control and got me through the storm because looking back I can’t believe I did it. My gut and heart knew what needed to happen and the strength just came busting through and consumed me. I don’t even recognize who I was a year ago, she seems like a completely different then who I am now.
I feel like I’m through most of it, starting to see the clouds lift and the shine coming through. The storm I went through left some damage though but it was worth it. It’s like a weight is lifted off my chest, I can breathe again. Parenting is harder in some ways yet easier now in a completely different way. I feel a stronger connection and feel extremely in tune with Brody like I’ve never felt before. I’ve gone on about me but let me tell you, I couldn’t have done it without him. Children with autism thrive on routine and typically have their set ways of what they like, being non verbal he had a hard time expressing feelings and wants too. Brody’s Life the past year hasn’t seen a shred of routine and he has just adapted with ease, almost like he just knows what’s going on. His vocabulary is amazing, he says full sentences now, is potty trained and is so much more independent then I ever imagined. I beat myself up sometimes because of our opposite schedules, my inability understand him and his needs fully, and not having a typical family life I had expected and planned. I hope he knows this isn’t what I wanted but how it has to be. Someday we will have what I envisioned but right now we have each-other and that’s what matters.
What’s keeps me going is the strength and happiness that just radiates out of him, this kid has no fear and just charges full speed ahead. I never knew my five year old son could be so Impactful in teaching me life lessons but here I am, learning from him and leaning on him every day. “I yuh yew, you’re my best friend in the whole world, you’re beautiful” spills from his mouth every day, it’s what I’ve told him his whole life and now he says it to me. His blue eyes, chubby cheeks, blonde hair and little hands always reaching for me keeps me going every day. So here’s to a year of our new lives down, we’re ready for a rainbow because that was one hell of a storm.