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Gut punch and a broken heart.

I’m watching Good Morning America as I type this, not even sure if I can eat breakfast because I’m so sick to my stomach. I’m watching a sheriff giving a press conference, barely holding it together and trying to hold back tears. I know I’ve already cried multiple times watching videos this morning as I’m sure you all have too. Brody had just crawled into my bed and was cuddled up with me and watching cartoons when I found out the news. I just looked at him and thought of all the people who wouldn’t be able to have this again and the parents who raised these people, doing the same as I was, only to have their child ripped from them so senselessly.

I just went through an evacuation for the hurricane and remember my 22 hours of traveling to Georgia alone. Brody was in the car and behaved the whole time, he only cried once the whole trip. It was almost like he just knew I needed him to behave, that he was making an effort in such a stressful situation to make it a little easier on me. When you have that long on the road it makes you do some soul searching and really evaluate your life and where you’re going. My life, path and goals were all in my mind and I was pretty honest with myself and acknowledged both good and bad. It was a very humbling experience that was needed, it was just what I needed in a way.

During my Internal conversation on highway 75 what I kept going back to was that baby in the backseat. I was raised saying I love you every time you hang up the phone. I’ve learned through my 29 years that the little moments are just as important as the big ones. Just last night when Brody was fresh out of the bath, all wrapped up in a big towel I was overcome with feelings of gratefulness. I took a photo because I thought to myself how happy I felt at that moment and how I wanted to remember that smiling face.

I feel that through my time as a mother, people tell me a lot how they love watching Brody and I and the relationship we share. I think that honestly a big part of our bond is the time we take and the small moments we share. I live in the moment, even if it’s him drawing while I drink my morning coffee. I put so much value in every minute spent with him and try to teach him as much as possible. While autism makes my parenting a little different, acceptance and love will always be at the center of what I want to teach him. I know it’s a hopeless feeling not being able to help the victims in Vegas and the other heartbreaking events going on lately but you can do something to help. You can raise great children, you can love unconditionally, you can take that risk of doing what you have always wanted to do and do it in the victims honor. You can wake up every morning when your feet hit the ground with the mindset that you want to make the world a better place, no matter the scale you do it on. Live with a purpose, love people unconditionally and tell people how much they matter. It’s times like this that we all need to rally together and make a conscious effort to do better, to be more.

Life will always happen and unfortunately horrific events are inevitable. I want to live my life to the fullest, love hard and leave a legacy that carries on through my child. I’m going to keep hugging, kissing and loving unconditionally until I find a way to help more then just spreading love. My thoughts and prayers are with the family and friends of these victims, you have a whole country holding you in their hearts. Don’t let hate and violence win guys, lets pick each-other up and keep and keep moving forward together.

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Always remember…

I don’t like not knowing what’s ahead, how things are going to go and having questions that can’t be answered. Sometimes in life I just get a sense of urgency for  change or just like wanting something new to get some energy and liveliness back. Life is exhausting in many aspects and can be very difficult. Tack onto that the the exhaustion that comes from tirelessly wondering what the future holds for your child, how he will end up, how he is doing right now since he doesn’t talk and countless other things. It consumes me sometimes, typically at night like it is right now. It comes over me in waves, sometimes I choose to ignore it because truly drains me. I could stay up forever with millions of things running through my mind. 

Parenting seems like a partly cloudy day, sun breaks through and everything’s good but sometimes those clouds just stick around long enough to put a damper on the day. I know all parents can share this feeling with me and I get comfort knowing that that sun will shine through soon. My mom always centers me and reminds me to tell myself things throughout the day to get me through and in the right mindset. It works, I have to stop and have little pep talks to myself as crazy as it sounds. If no ones ever taught you this lesson, take her advice and try it out next time. Im writing this blog post as a way to remind myself of this and to work through days like today. I’m thankful for the air in my lungs and my incredible son. I’m fortunate that I get to open my eyes in the morning and take on a new day and see Brody growing and progressing, no matter how tiny the steps. I know I don’t have all the answers I want and that’s ok because I never will. 

Tough times, not a tough life. If you’re like me and laying in bed, reading this and having your own internal battle just remember this. You’re not alone. Now I’m going to kiss my sweet baby on the forehead and try to give my mind and body some well deserved rest. I hope you all can do the same. 

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My mama told me I’m a bleeding heart and she’s right. 

This may just be random ramblings today, I can’t help it. I’ve started about three different posts and deleted them all because they just fell flat to me. I have a few things on my mind that seem to be consuming me. I woke up in Brody bed, I fell asleep while putting him to sleep last night next to him. His arm was slung around my neck, laying on his side facing me. Last night he was clinging to me like a little koala, didn’t let me stand up without clutching me and pulling me down. His sensory issues have been all over the place lately, he has been craving compression, wanting me to lay on him (obviously I don’t use my full body weight) and just be wrapped up in my arms throughout the day. He has also been hitting his stomach very hard and in the last few days he’s been hitting himself in the head. 
Being Brodys parent has been such a blessing but leaves me constantly questioning myself and what to do. I battle with knowing why he does things, what I should do about new behaviors that arise, constantly trying to come up with solutions to allieveite the anxiety I can see consume Brody sometimes. Watching my son be in his own world with limited ways to communicate his feelings and worries sometimes keeps me up at night. I battle with my own feelings too. Feelings of frustration, stress, exhaustion and a just feelings of falling short as a parent. I have arguments with myself about wanting to be selfish, to have alone time or just time to enjoy myself without Brody around just for a mental break. When I do break away, I’m thinking about Brody, wishing he was with me and wondering what he’s doing. Sorting out these feelings can be so hard, I know I’m doing the best I can and that a lot of what I feel is common for parents to feel. 
This brings me to my next set of feelings and while some may not make the connection it is in my mind. The mass shooting that occurred last night has left a pit in my stomach that just won’t go away. Thinking about all the parents and family that are left behind to deal with such a senseless tragedy breaks my heart. Parents who have struggled with similar issues as what I described above, who’s sweet babies are now in heaven watching from above. Even now as I write this I’m choked up because I can’t imagine losing such an important person like my son. The sleepless nights, the tears they’ve wiped away, the homework, Disney memories, the pride and joy they’ve felt because of their own children… Ripped away from them in an instant. This mass shooting has caused a ripple effect that I know I’m not alone in feeling and it makes me hug Brody tighter. 
My mom always told me I’m a bleeding heart and she’s right. I’m sitting at my dining room table, listening to Peppa Pig playin on my tv as I’m finishing eating my breakfast with my dogs at my feet. Brodys off at school and while that’s a daily thing the bottom line is that this type of horrific event can happen anywhere at any time and that’s so unsettling to me. I know I’ve been rambling today and that this post may be hard to read and make sense of but my heart is doing the writing today, not my brain. My family takes great pride in being open and expressing our feelings. We always say I love you when we hang up the phone, stay in constant communication and throw around hugs and kisses as often as possible. My bottom line here I suppose is take that time with your family, take in even the small moments. Make time for them and really get that mental photograph, every moment with loved ones is a treasure. Things happen, life’s not fair and not eveything doesn’t make sense and that’s my main thought. Don’t let things like this stop you from living your life, however. I love my son more then anything in this world and my family as well, I pray we never have to cope personally with a tradgy like Orlando or any of the other mass shootings this year. Rest in peace to all the souled lost, my heart goes out to all family and friends trying to cope because of this. I truly feel my heart breaking for them. End of my rambling.